I flipped through the pages in my honors class, staring at the percentage that covered the top of the first page. Following the score were the multiple red x marks. 90 percent, that’s decent.
My eyes were drawn towards those students who didn’t study. 100 percent.
I never understood the people who put school second in their lives, nor did I understand people who didn’t obsess over their grades. No matter what I do in my life, school will always be my first priority over myself.
Comparing was a norm in many Asian families, and I grew up being compared to anyone and everyone. The only difference was that throughout my life, I was never able to let go of it. As a middle schooler, many of my fellow classmates had the word “gifted” engraved onto their records. This title separated them from the rest, in a huddle of their own kind of students. However, I never had the chance to compete for this title and this kind of hurt.
Being a not-gifted student, the word “gifted” impacted so many students. I knew I was a smart kid, but I wasn’t smart enough to be advanced. I was a student taking all honors classes, but I was also the dumbest kid in the room. Regardless of what teachers told me, the haunting feeling of being dumb affected my mindset.
Gifted kids had their own assignments, their special projects, their classes that focused on them being academically better. I wanted to be a part of that. A room filled with kids who were the smartest in a crowd of hundreds. I wanted the feeling of being accepted and knowing I was advanced. In my mind, I created this game between other students and me, where all that mattered was beating them academically.
Students would always ask: what did you get? And every time it wasn’t a perfect score, it felt like it wasn’t good enough. I knew other students had that perfect score, and I was inspired to be them.
The fulfillment of my academics was an issue I couldn’t even explain. I didn’t know why it mattered so much how perfect of an A I received when I knew I tried on the work. But every time it wasn’t what I wanted, I sobbed.
And as I got older, it only got worse. Everyone around me started taking AP classes, full schedules, and millions of clubs, and I was falling behind compared to them.
It got to the point where this mindset started to hurt me. When I struggled in my classes, I was afraid to ask for help or extra guidance because I should be smart enough to understand.
I had to work 10 times harder to build my confidence up to the point where I saw myself as smart just because of the effect of this stupid, little word: gifted.
The gifted program may allow for students to work on their academics, but the harsh labeling that gets created is never necessary for a child’s mentality.
