This previously ran on the December print issue.

Many people think of themselves as intellectuals– intelligent people who do their own research, spend hours on Reddit, and think that only they are smart enough to understand the incredibly deep and subtle humor of Rick and Morty. They pride themselves on their investigative skills, knowing that they think deeply and look at only the facts and logic that make the world go ‘round. And yet this neo-intellectualism will lead these same people to follow zodiac signs; A person you hate is a great choice for an enemy, what with their rival sign, but now you also realize you should never have had your longtime childhood crush with that filthy Scorpio.

Now, obviously any reasonably intelligent individual will recognize the stupidity of someone making decisions on such a basis, and will avoid it like the black death or a One Direction concert. But there is no denying the pervasiveness of astrology (and One Direction, sadly). Walk into your local gluten free 100% vegan non-GMO carbon-neutral anti-vax tarot card reading & dead relative contacting shop, and you can bet the farm that the employees will have their zodiac sign right there on their reclaimed-paper name tags.

This isn’t to say that zodiac signs don’t have any benefits. If you are such a boring person you don’t even know how to act, you can use it to have a personality spoon-fed to you. Don’t know how to treat someone? Judge them based on when they were born! Not having a good day? Just look at your horoscope and try to focus on the positive side of your HIV test. While it may not help you get dates on Tinder, slapping a Leo sign into your bio will. 

But if they don’t like your sign? Figure out what they want, and call yourself a “Pisces rising” or some crap like that. They’ll eat it up. Before you know it, you’ll be licking body chocolate off each other’s [ink blotch].

This can be a risky gambit, however, so you have to be careful. The last thing you want is to be 25 years into a loving relationship only for them to find out you are an incompatible type, obviously necessitating a divorce. (But between you and me: I would never let something like that Taurus apart).

Even beyond the dating scene, zodiac signs have issues. Because they are assigned, rather than being selected, you can be forced to shape your personality, your very being, into something you just don’t want to be. I’ve seen grown men discover their zodiac signs and change from big teddy-bears into hulking, rage-fueled monsters. If only they had been born a week earlier, they could have lived a happy life.